Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Church of the Agnostic

So, I am trying to convince Doug that we need to start our own church. All he needs is a podium and a a group of loose pocketed Devotees, both of which can be easily acquired on the Lower East Side after-hours.

The real problem, as I see it, is that Doug and I do not agree on the religion we should perpetuate. I think it should be an agnostic church and Doug thinks it should be a church in which all devotees are encouraged to believe what they want because who are we to insist they are wrong with no proof.

So scratch that, we both agree that it should be a church of the agnostic.

I think it will be a great success. We will meet on Tuesday nights as it is a slow television night anyway. And our sanctuary will boast those massage chairs that are usually found only nail salons with bored Asian ladies muttering what I can only assume are Korean obscenities as they diligently exfoliate rich American women's feet. (whether we will have the Asian ladies during the services is still in consideration)

We welcome narcotics and will feature a bar in the the corner with a frozen daiquiri machine.


Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Mrs. New York Pageant Through Doug's Eyes

I love Doug and the smell of Johnny Walker Black- Obviously

I could have married Robert Maplethorp, but I didn't. it's my cross to bear.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Beth and Doug's Adult Summer Camp

Every year in January I make resolutions that I ALWAYS stick to.

So, this summer I have made a three month resolution. I have created a list of things we are going to do at least once this summer, a grown-up version of summer camp, though some are more directly reminiscent of camp days. Some we have already accomplished.

1. Go to a Mets Game.
2. Go to a Yankee Game
3. Make Sangria and drink it on the beach
4. Go to a bon fire (not start a bon fire...go to someone else's)
5. Go on a boat.
6. Go to Montauk...get a bumper sticker.
7. Nap in a Hammock.
8. Swim in a non-chlorinated body of water that is not the Long Island Sound.
9. Eat a meal entirely consisting of shrimp, lobster and crab el fresco on the water.
10. Drink beer during the day.
11. Go to a beach concert.
12. Skinny Dip

Feel free to make suggestions.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

What's for dinner? Vietnamese Carmelized Pork with Rice Noodle Salad

Well, this recipe is for those of us who really like to cook. You really have to want to spend lots of time in the kitchen cutting and mixing and getting every board and bowl dirty. But it is so worth it.

Yummy, low fat, very little calories- plus you can eat it for lunch for the next few days.

It is adapted from the Cooking Light website.


3/4 cup water
4 1/2 tablespoons granulated sugar
3 tablespoons rice vinegar
2 tablespoons fresh lime juice
1 1/2 tablespoons fish sauce
2 teaspoons minced peeled fresh ginger
3 garlic cloves, minced

1 (6-ounce) package rice vermicelli
1 pound pork tenderloin, trimmed
2 teaspoons fish sauce
1 teaspoon Sriracha (hot chile sauce, such as Huy Fong)
1/4 teaspoon garlic powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
3 tablespoons brown sugar
Cooking spray
2 cups thinly sliced red leaf lettuce
1 cup matchstick-cut peeled English cucumber
1 cup matchstick-cut carrot
1 cup bean sprouts
1/4 cup chopped fresh basil
1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro
3 tablespoons chopped fresh mint

To prepare dressing, combine the first 8 ingredients in a small saucepan; cook over medium heat 5 minutes or just until sugar dissolves. Remove from heat; cool.

To prepare salad, place vermicelli in a large bowl. Cover with boiling water. Let stand 20 minutes or until tender. Drain and rinse under cold water; drain.

Prepare grill.

Cut tenderloin in half lengthwise. Cut each piece in half crosswise. Place each pork piece between 2 sheets of plastic wrap; pound to an even thickness using a meat mallet or small heavy skillet. Combine 2 teaspoons fish sauce and 1 teaspoon Sriracha; drizzle over pork. Sprinkle evenly with garlic powder, salt, and pepper. Pat brown sugar onto pork.

Place pork on a grill rack coated with cooking spray. Grill 12 minutes or until slightly pink in center, turning pieces occasionally to prevent burning. Place pork on a cutting board; let stand 5 minutes. Cut across grain into very thin slices.

Combine vermicelli, lettuce, and next 6 ingredients (through mint) in a large bowl. Pour dressing over salad; toss well. Top with pork and nuts. Serve with lime wedges, if desired.

Monday, June 7, 2010

How To Really Spot A Liar

I was recently lied to. It was not a serious lie and it was not from anyone in my life that I am truly devastated that they would do so, but I was lied to.

I know that it is nothing new. I know I am lied to by people all day long. I know the 10 signs that someone is lying and so I can’t NOT know if someone is lying.

Most people lie to make other people feel better. I understand that. I have told people who look like they are having a bad day that I love their shoes when I really don’t just because I know it will make them feel good. I tell people, “of course I remember you” or, “wow, your haircut is adorable”.

But I never lie when I think the other person will know I am lying because that seems condescending.

This person who lied to me recently did so in a way that made it clear that she was lying- so it was insulting.

Even if was not a PROFESSOR OF COMMUNICATION the situation made it very clear that she was lying, but I am, by all account in our culture, an expert in communication processes so I could tell she was lying, and tell her the empirical studies that prove it.

But I didn’t. I let her lie, knowing that she would go on and lye to someone else the same way. So, to whomever she lied to next, I am very sorry . I could have done something to stop to cycle but I didn’t.

I think I will start stopping the cycle. I think from now on when people lie for no good reason when they know it is obvious I will gently remind them that I know the signs of lying.

If you want to do the same here are the top signs that someone is lying…
1) the look into your eyes and do not look away.
2) Their pupils dilate
3) The stand or sit with perfect posture
4) They repeat the same phrase over and over without changing the wording
5) They say very little (one word answers)
6) Have an adaptor or a tell (a smoker will hold a pen like a cigarette-my mother grinds her teeth)
7) Their voice will go up an active

Now you know. You have a new superpower. Use it wisely.

Friday, June 4, 2010

No No...Thank You

I received a thank you card today from my absolute favorite person to receive a thank you card from. My friend has the distinction of being the best thank you card writer I have ever known.

It's an art. I first noticed how skilled she was when, a decade ago, after gifting her newborn daughter with a Dior swimsuit and towel set, she wrote me a thank you vividly describing a scene in which the baby was the chicest one in the kiddie pool. I was hooked. Each and every time I gave her a gift I looked forward to what she would write and sure enough, she has never disappointed.

In a sea of mediocre thank you notes that read "thank you for your lovely gift" it is so refreshing, particularly for a prose lover like me, to see someone actually take the time to think about the gift, gifter and situation. I always feel like sending her a note thanking her for her awesome thank you note.

I think of her every time I write thank you notes. It is amazing how much you learn from people as an adult if you just pay attention.